ineke.co.uk

The Second Breakfast Club.

— Eric Idle (@EricIdle) June 26, 2019

do landlords have shares in 3M command adhesive strips

— Rose Matafeo (@Rose_Matafeo) January 24, 2021

I fixed it for them pic.twitter.com/wjBaHEdS1p

— Billie (@_BillieBelieves) January 24, 2021

pic.twitter.com/2w46s24ybt

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) January 24, 2021

No wonder my child was fearful of graveyards. She thought the flower holders were…

“breathing holes”

😱 pic.twitter.com/lhOecThAiJ

— Rebecca Rideal (@RebeccaRideal) January 24, 2021

Lockdown 1: Sourdough starters and Zoom quizzes!
Lockdown 2: Finding new hobbies and connecting with friends!
Lockdown 3: Staring directly into the void all day every day

— Dave (@davechannel) January 25, 2021

Sometimes interspecies friendships need to be temporarily paused. pic.twitter.com/uTx0uXcaLb

— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) January 25, 2021

So Sainsbury’s have pulled these products after Nestlé, Mondelez, Mars and Ferrero unsurprisingly failed to see the funny side. Which, knowing these bantz marketing types, was probably the intention all along https://t.co/nAyyQdC9lK

— carpet (@WHS_Carpet) January 25, 2021

Funny how brand holders are OK with Lidl and Aldi with their lookalikes… pic.twitter.com/hjmdTiK8mF

— Mark Amies (@Superfast72) January 25, 2021

Okay, who did this? pic.twitter.com/bq3JT7TcHU

— jamie (@gnuman1979) January 25, 2021

Paying a bill:

Go to use website: “Sorry, we’re having some issues, have you tried our app?”

Download app: “Sorry! We’ll be up and running soon! Have you tried the website?”

Call on phone: “Sorry, we’re experiencing…”

Receive warning letter telling you how to get in touch.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) January 26, 2021

Britain now has the highest number of Covid deaths per million population in the world.

In.

The.

World.

— Dr Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) January 26, 2021

Schrödinger's Kit-Kat. https://t.co/bZhc12fe29

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) January 26, 2021

My wife is a teacher and apparently one kid has been changing his name to 'Reconnecting' during the Zoom lessons so that he doesn't get asked any questions. Been doing it for weeks. The lad doesn't need to worry about his education, he's already a bona fide genius.

— Chris Arnold (@ChrisArnoldInc) January 25, 2021

It should be introduced as law that mp’s HAVE TO answer questions when being interviewed as a public servant. The way each of them repeat and repeat like a broken tamagotchi is absolutely infuriating whilst dodging very simple yes or no questions. Surely we’re owed that.

— R Y L A N (@Rylan) January 27, 2021

Last paragraph! 😲 pic.twitter.com/SKLvmZICU5

— Mr B 🙋‍♂️ (@MrB_online) January 26, 2021

jacob making jacob making
breakfast for breakfast for
joseph his other sons pic.twitter.com/WgjrLXwdVD

— JRR Jokien (@joshcarlosjosh) January 27, 2021

PM “ we have one of the toughest (quarantine) regimes in the world”. Yes. He just said that. He just said that.

— Shelagh Fogarty (@ShelaghFogarty) January 27, 2021

Some good statistics for a change:
– People being pooed on by pigeons is down 132%
– Opportunity for napping is up 42%
– Awkward moments where you think you're going in for a handshake but a hug happens down 821%
– Guilt about eating crisps is down 73%

— Dave (@davechannel) January 28, 2021

Taskmaster trauma dream: the task was to escape from an animatronic dragon. The producers lost control of it and it chased me and Key all over the place with genuine intent to kill. Stressful dream tbh.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) January 28, 2021

Going on holiday in the same country is not a staycation it is a normal vacation! If you're staying at home doing holiday type things, it's a staycation!

Are the people at @BBCNews so posh that if it's not abroad it's not a holiday?https://t.co/Xo9mEcjyss

— Cathy Madavan (@CathyMadavan) January 28, 2021

“once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “when the Wicked movie comes out”

— laura j. brown (@laurjbrown) January 23, 2021

Been tagged in this loads today as we’ve discussed bathroom eating on the podcast… but I have to say:

Full cake.
One fork.
Glass of champagne.

Got to respect it!
Congrats 🎉 #ShaggedMarriedAnnoyed https://t.co/rimgWWsyiQ

— Chris Ramsey (@IAmChrisRamsey) January 28, 2021

I imagine they were so relieved someone remembered to make one of them BAME that they called it a day and went to lunch. https://t.co/oM2x56rzPc

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) January 28, 2021

Little Women and Derry Girls have convinced me: the correct ratio for any friend group is one boy for every four girls

— Angie J. Han (@ajhan) December 28, 2019

(if you’re wondering what’s to be done with all the extra boys, well: https://t.co/vKD1WGyWVS)

— Angie J. Han (@ajhan) December 28, 2019

Alan Turing used to chain his favourite mug to a radiator to stop it from being stolen.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) January 29, 2021

robinhood decided this morning to suspend buying of AMC and GME stock because regular people were making too much money, proving once again that any time the poors find a way to get any sort of financial foothold in this world the billionaire class will move swiftly to crush them

— Ash Crypto (@Ashcryptoreal) January 28, 2021

No one can accuse us of making unnecessary journeys. We are rewilding our car. pic.twitter.com/w2Unoj7MuD

— Grayson Perry (@Alan_Measles) January 29, 2021

A message of tolerance. pic.twitter.com/23jNpPzVEu

— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) January 30, 2021